Cami and I reported to the ped's office with tiny Molly in towe.  Strangely, Cami had picked the peditrician on advice from her next door neighbor.  When she actually called to give the new doctor information she suddenly could not remember his name.  The receptionist went down the list and Cami thought one of them sounded familiar so she picked hm. As it turned out we were going to see the doctor her neighbor recommended but not the one she had chosen. Not the Abe Lincolnesk doc that showed up the night Molly was born.  We were seeing the originally recommended doctor only because the doctor who had come the night Molly was born had gone on a vacation It was a mistake...strange.  This doctor was a really nice man - asian - very small and he was looking at us with great sympathy.  He expressed his congrats then said "I am so sorry to give you this information but so glad you picked my partner by mistake.  I would not have caught this.  Your baby has a large mass in her kidney."  Poor Cami fell apart.  She cried harder then I have seen her cry doing this entire ordeal.  She was exhausted. Two days out of the hospital after a c-section.  Her first baby.  He referred us to Dornbecker in Portland.  An appointment was made for us for the next day.  Cami was trying so hard to breast-feed.  She was getting up all night...hobbling around with c-section after pain and dealing with all the hormone changes that happen after having a baby.  I tried so hard to say the right things.  I was terrified.

When we showed up at Dornbecker Children's Hospital in Portland,Oregon we were directed to the Oncology department.  Cami, Steve and I could hardly look at each other when we found out where we were supposed to go.  The Oncology department?  There must be some mistake!  The waiting room was full of poor little tiny children who were bald and looking miserable and sick.  Molly did not belong here - we were sure of it! Steve went to another floor to get us coffee.  I held new born, sweet Molly while Cami went up to the front desk to check in.  I was watching her out of the corner of my eye, worrying about what this was doing to her when I suddenly heard a deep and heart-breaking sob.  The receptionist asked if Cami would like a counselor to come in.  They were kind.  Cami said no and pulled herself back to as normal a mood as one could be during those circumstances.   She was as pale as I have ever seen her.

The rest of the day was a blur.  I try to remember who we saw and what they said but the result was "We need to remove the kidney....we are sure it is not cancer."  They removed the kidney a few days later.  What a hard day that was.  We held Molly and kissed her until I'm sure she was really bugged by all the kissing.  I tried so hard to act as if I was not afraid when they took her down to surgery.  I was terrified.  I will always remember the nurse carrying Molly off to surgery.  I will always remember holding my thirty something daughter on my lap like she was a little girl again.  She was so terrified...I tried to act as if I was not.

After many hours they called us back in a room while the team of surgeons said they were pleased by the outcome.  They had removed the kidney and were 99% sure that it was not cancerous.  When we were finally able to see Molly she was on a hospital bed looking so still.  Sometimes she would sigh and it was the saddest most ragged sounding sigh.  We sat by her for a long time.  Finally I left and went back to stay at Cami's house and her and Steve spent the night.  Cami is haunted by the fact she did not pick Molly up after surgery.  I wish she could forgive herself.  She remembers watching Molly wake up and stare at the wall and she feels so guilty that she was afraid to pick her up.  Anyone would be afraid to pick up a baby only a few days old after an intense surgery on the kidney but somehow my poor daughter has identified this time as being a great failure to her daughter.  She was frozen with fear and heartbreak but Cami does not forgive herself.  I wish she could.  She has been the bravest mother ever.

After returning home the waiting game started.  The bioposy was supposed to be back in a few days.  We waited and waited and waited.  Finally we showed up for the appointment at Dornbecker and I knew as soon as I saw the oncologist.  "I'm so sorry" she said "We were so sure it was not cancer but it is.  It is a Wilm's tumor.  That is really good news.  When it comes to childhood cancer you have won the lottery.  It can be successfully treated with chemotherapy.  Molly will be on chemo for the next few monthes." 

We did not feel as if we had won any kind of lottery.  We were terrified.

I am going to Bremerton to see my adored ones on Thursday.  I can't wait to see the quints since Lilli gave them all a haircut!  So far Molly Jane has all her hair but she better hold onto it!  Lilli is practicing to be the first kindergarten hairdresser.

My daughter Cami let me know that I was sending messages out to the universe while I thought I was just sending messages to individuals.  I am in about first grade in the school of using blogs, facebook etc.  I am improving.  Remember that choice on grade school report cards?  I used to receive poor under "Uses time wisely" the first quarter, then the second quarter the box that said improving would be checked.  I don't really think I ever actually improved however and I still don't use time wisely.  I feel better now though that there is a name for it - ATTENTION DEFICIET DISORDER